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Last night, I woke up in a cold sweat at precisely 3:42 a.m. The cause? Not a nightmare, or the debilitating existential dread that I used to regard as a symptom of an impending depressive episode, or perhaps some kind of voodoo curse, but I now understand to be a non-negotiable component of American life. No, it was because I realized that I’ve been writing this column for two and a half years and I haven’t done a beauty column yet.

How is that possible? I’m a woman, for God’s sake, and if there’s anything I’ve learned from The Media it’s that women are in desperate, constant need of physical improvements. Ladies and femmes, read on for Brock About Town’s summer beauty hacks!

Get a trendy haircut. Short hair is in this season, which makes it the perfect time to shave your head, sell your hair to a sketchy Russian wig manufacturer and use the money to start a college fund for the baby you may soon be forced to give birth to and raise! You’ll be showing your unwanted child how to make the best of living in a country rife with unchecked misogyny and look fierce while doing it! #girlboss!

Try out a whole new aesthetic. Personally, I like the goth vibe, so what I do is, I just paint my face with ashes, ascend the nearest roof and scream into the yawning void that is the cold, unfeeling universe, grieving for all that I have lost and all that I have yet to lose. Flirty!

Remember, mother knows best. You know when you were, like, 14, and your mother told you to wash your face with Dial and forced you to brush out your curly hair until it looked like an old Halloween wig so you’d look “respectable”? You’re just going to have to forgive her for it, because you’re 27 and men aren’t going to be beating down your door for very much longer, as your mom made perfectly clear. Maybe you should start going to the tanning salon again. Men like a girl with a nice, healthy tan. That’s how she hooked your father, and although you might not be able to see it now, he was quite a catch back in the day. Just something to think about, sweetie.

Use silicone-based personal lubricant to prevent chub rub. Now you can wear sundresses again. Yay.

This article was originally published in Little Village issue 307.

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